Yesterday was a bad day. They 'why' demon crept up on me and stuck around most of the day. I know I can't give in to they 'why' because there isn't an answer to that question that I can know until the day I see God and Alex in heaven and then i'm not sure it will matter.
I got a wonderful card today from the social worker we worked with at the hospital, it really warms my heart when people say that they could see our love for Alex and I hope that he felt that too. Apparently Alex was her first PICU kid and she said that her experience with him taught her a lot and will always influence the way she deals with families in her work, and the way she is with her own family. It's amazing how many people such a little guy influenced.
I'm still struggling with my feelings, as is probably to be expected. Most of the time I am just so grateful, I'm sad that he died but I'm grateful that he lived. Some of you know that Alex was the result of a successful vasectomy reversal, he was a miracle from the start. Sometimes that makes the WHY demon come out thinking about it, because he was so loved, planned for, and wanted.
I think one of the big things I've learned is that the people in our lives aren't ours to keep, they are on loan for a while, some of them many years and some only minutes, days, or weeks. Appreciate them and let them know how much you do. And take all of the lessons they are here to teach and learn them. And when they are gone, be grateful that you had the opportunity to know them. After all, it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
If I could have some fairy dust
To make my dreams come true
I'd take it with me in my sleep
So I could dream of you
I'd dream I were an angel
If only for one day
So I could be in Heaven
Just to spend the day with you
I'd tell you how I loved you so
And miss you oh so much
And how just for a little while
You were mine but not to keep
I'd hold you oh so very close
But then I'd have to go
You see my little Angel
You were my gift but not to kep
I have to say night night now
It's time for me to go
But this feeling in my heart for you
will never go to sleep