Sunday, March 19, 2006

How am I suppose to do this?

I can't figure out how I'm 'suppose' to act or feel. As a mother I think a lot of us think about losing a child, about how that would be and how we would feel but so far I'm just in a fog. Sometimes the emotions come strong and I'm left sitting on the floor sobbing and feeling physical pain in my heart, other times I'm laughing and remembering those long weeks in the hospital.

Today I've been calling everyone a 'bad egg' remembering nurse Lori and how she'd point her finger at Alex and say 'your a bad egg mister'. It made me giggle then and still does. People must think i'm crazy, off my rocker.

I miss Alex, I miss the people at the hospital that we had come to know and feel like I've not only lost a son, but an entire family. I've been running at mach 20 for 7 weeks and now that were home without him there's nothing to do, I feel lost.

Just like always, Craig and I are opposites. He cannot stand to read Alex's guestbook, or look through the things from the hospital. I on the other hand have thrown myself into it all, organizing his things, researching heart defects, posting on message boards.

Even though Alex gave us signs for days that the end was near, and I saw those signs and I think without realizing, prepared myself somewhat; his death still came as such a surprise. It was so fast. It's so hard to beleive that 4 days ago he was here, and then in the blink of an eye he is gone.

I think about the night before he died. I was at the hospital and I spent more time than usual at his bedside ( I tended to spend a few minutes touching him, then sit in the rocker and watch him, and repeat this process over and over) . I touched every part of him that I could through that evening. He seemed so at peace. A little tiny speck in my mind thought something wasn't right. His sats were bouncing around and I thought his fingers looked duskier than normal, his fingernails were a deep purple. It didn't occur to me that the next time I would see him would be to see them doing chest compressions on him.

I feel a lot of guilt. I regret that we didn't bring the video camera to the hospital and videotape every moment of his life. I regret that we didn't take more pictures. I feel guilty that he was born 4 weeks early, maybe if he had those last 4 weeks to grow he would have been stronger and better able to fight. So many things I would have tried to do differently had I only known.

I am grateful for the time we spent. God was so patient with us, waiting until we had learned some valuable lessons before he took Alex home. Alex was so patient with us, hanging on until we were as ready as we ever could have been to deal with this pain. I know 2 months ago we were not strong enough to live through this, Alex made us strong enough.

Yesterday we made funeral arrangements, tomorrow we pick out his stone. It is so surreal. The pastor told me we haven't begun to grieve yet, we are still in shock and that scares me. It scares me because the emotions are so strong, the pain is so raw that I don't know what Ii'll do if it gets worse.

I feel at peace in some ways. When I was running to the hospital that day I knew he was passing. When it happened the pain I felt was so extreme I thought my own heart would stop beating then and there. Then as the day went on I felt this overwhelming sense of releif. Releif that he wasn't huring anymore and I still feel that. I feel him all around me but no longer have to see him hurting, see his wounds and the constant oozing of blood from one site or another. He isn't hurting anymore. All he knew in life was pain and that has finally ceased, I'm grateful for that.

This peom will be on his memorial...

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not to be

So he put his arms around you
and said 'Alexander come with me'

With tearful eyes we watched
And saw you fade away

Although we love you dearly
We could not make you stay

A special heart stopped beating
Your body it did rest

God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best

Fly high little bubba, fly high.

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