Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I don't understand!

For some reason today has been a very hard day. I am finding it very difficult to find my 'happy place'. Easter is coming, not only is it the first 'real' holiday we planned to spend with our sweet baby boy, but it is also our first goal 'home date' in the hospital, then when we realized it probably wouldn't happen, we were rooting for Mothers day. So Easter is going to suck this year because of that and to top it off it falls on the 16th and marks the 1 month anniversary of losing Alex. I just don't want to do anything anymore.

People try to get me out of the house. My mom wants us to go to Minneapolis on Friday, which is her birthday to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese and have a nice day out. I don't want to go, we had planned to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese on our way home from the hospital on the wonderful day when Alex would finally be sent home from the hospital and that didn't happen.

People think i need to get out of my house. My house is my safe place. I dont' have to see babies, pregnant women, any of it in my house. I can cry without being gawked at, and i'm not 'the woman who lost her baby'.

I find myself feeling very bitter today. I'm mad at God. I try to tell myself that God took Alex home and ended his suffering, but then on these hard days I think that's a bunch of bull, God preforms miracles every single day and he didn't. Why didn't Alex deserve a miracle? Why are prisons full of people that do awful things and yet for some reason Alex, an innocent child's life was taken from him before he had a chance to live it. It makes me so angry. Instead he felt pain every day of his life, for nothing. To have it end anyway.

I'm sure eventually I'll find my way back to my happy place for a while. But not today.....

God, Take This Child....
By Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)

God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

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