So I didn't go to Tyler's funeral on Saturday. I won't elaborate.
I'm really glad that I got pregnant again so soon. I find myself being able to see babies again without being so sad, I almost ALMOST was able to go into the infant department at walmart today........ big step.
I have however been feeling a little guilty. I look at Alex's picture on my computer desktop and I just search his little face and try to remember him........ my memories are so hazy and I hate it. I can't remember anymore his smell, I can barely remember what his fuzzy hair felt like. I vaguely remember the way he scrunched his face up during his silent cries. I find myself angry about that. If I can't have my baby why can't I have my memories at least? Why do I have to lose those too? Sometimes I look through the photo album at the pictures of him and I can remember the day, but I can't remember that moment the picture was taken. I can't remember how it felt to hold him. It's frustrating.