Sunday, September 16, 2007

Post traumatic stress

Why do some kids get thier miracles and some don't? I don't know that I will ever understand that. I find myself envious of people who get it. It's very strange to read the story of a kid who made it back from deaths door and have this strangely sad feeling. Most people read stories like that and feel better about life, I do not.

I've been trying to get myself back in my "happy place". I tried to find a counselor to talk to and none are taking new patients that my insurance covers...... it figures.

Many people don't really know this about me but I've had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since childhood. (I know, if you've seen my disaster of a house you are really surprised huh?) And it's really flared up again. I almost don't even notice it until I'll be instinctively making all the vents in the car perfectly straight or something and Craig will just mess them all up and tell me it's OK if they don't all face perfectly forward...... no it's not! hehe We joke about it a lot because it's really just stupid things like that, but it's just the overwhelming need to have certain things perfect. Hard to explain.

It's not just silly things either, the obsessive thoughts are what is debilitating. The "death monster" that I spoke of before. It's like if I don't do the "rituals" then something bad is going to happen. You'd think people with OCD would live in immaculately clean surroundings. That's not really true. The silly rituals get in the way of things and some days you can spend hours just making sure every sock in the drawer is folded the right way, that the other stuff doesn't get done. So while my house may be a rat trap, there is something that is perfect....... dumb eh?

Anyway. I'm working on it. I go back and forth with it getting bad and then it becoming nearly nonexistant. Now that i've realized that's what this is I just have to recognize it and deal with it and get it to regress again.

But for now, don't mess with my vents! hehe

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