A poem from mommy

a little something I wrote.

Sometimes........

Sometimes I am scared, scared that I will lose again, scared that my memories will slip away.

Sometimes I am angry, angry that such a beautiful person was taken too soon, angry that I didn't get to watch you grow up.

Sometimes I am grateful, grateful that we had those weeks with you, even though we couldn't hold you, you were there within our grasp showing us wonders that we had not yet been worthy to experience.

Sometimes I am sad, sad because I miss you so much my heart hurts.

Sometimes I am guilty, guilty because I might have been able to change things if I had only known

Sometimes I am happy, remembering how your strength and spirit filled the room, seeing you do it your way regardless of the "rules".

Sometimes I cry, I cry tears of sadness, I cry tears of heartbreak, and every now and then I cry tears of gratitude.

Sometimes I hope. I hope that I was a good mother to you even though the obstacles made it difficult for me to be a proper mother. I also hope that I can be half the person you were.

There are a lot of "sometimes". But there is one "always" and that is...... Always I will love you.

I know that time in heaven goes so fast, by the time you turn around to see if I am there with you, I will be. You feel no pain, you feel no fear. When I look up at the night sky and see that one brightest star, I imagine you sitting on it looking down on us and giving us your strength that we can go on without you. I may never understand, but at least I can wake up each morning knowing that nothing can ever take you from my heart.

I love you Alex, and I misse you terribly. For once in my life I'm not afraid to die, when it's my time someday I know that I will forever be with you again.

One direction or the other please

Things seem to be getting harder for me and easier at the same time. I don't know how or why. Yesterday we went to our first midwife appointment and since it was my birthday the midwife agreed to let us take a quick peek with the ultrasound machine since it's far too early to hear the heartbeat with the dopper. The machine they have in the office there is ancient, and not very good and for a while we could see the baby, but no flicker of a heartbeat. I stared at the screen, willing that little heart to show it's presence.......... and then it did! Such a relief.

So why do I feel sad? I feel sad that this isn't Alex. I feel bad that I find myself thinking that another baby couldn't possibly ever be as special as he was. I feel bad that I don't know if I can bond with this baby because I'm afraid he or she will be taken too.

I don't feel good physically. I feel weak. I feel like something is wrong inside my body and I find myself always fearing for my own life. Something IS wrong with my body...... my heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever really heal.

Grieving my child is something I could not prepare for. Initially not even as much as now. See at first people expected me to be a basket case. Now.... it seems people expect a person to just kind of get over it in a way, move on. It's so difficult to do that. Part of me never wants to move on, to get further and further from our lives with Alex. I am losing my memories, a little at a time and sometimes it just feels like it never really happened at all. I mean in so many ways it's like this past year never happened, because our lives by all outward appearances are exactly the same as they were a year ago. 5 kids, expecting another, Craig working his tail off, me trying to keep things running smoothly and struggling with the constant changes that having children brings. The only difference really is we have pictures on the wall of a baby who we never got to know, we live day to day with loss on the inside, while being "normal" on the outside.

Kids and grief

Wow, what a pity party that last entry was eh? Jeez Kat. I'm told I'm allowed to have pity parties now and then so I guess I should just take advantage of my right to whine and do it every so often.

I really am unsure if I've accepted things though. I've decided that after the holiday I'm going to call and make an appointment with the family therapy services. There just isn't any reason not to. If not for me, for my kids.

It seems that the kids' grief is rearing it's head now. It's really a learning experience. Kids do grieve differently than we do. Christian has been pretty teary lately and when prodded he admits he misses Alex. It's hard for Craig and I to ask the questions we need to and get to the bottom of things with them because our kids hurting so much is pretty hard for us to bear. So it's time to talk to someone.

It's really strange how the grief changes and evolves. In the early weeks you are under this fog and it's difficult to remember, to think, to process thoughts at all let alone difficult ones. That fog very very slowly lifts and then I've had a period of "I'm ok" You feel a bit empowered, because you know you have just experienced the worst emotional hurt possible in this world, and you survived it.

Now, the fog is gone the acute pain has gone. But now the questions rear thier ugly heads. Replacing the acute pain is a dull ache that won't go away. You don't feel quite so empowered anymore because you aren't entirely sure what life is for you now.

It's all just impossible to put into words because I struggle to understand it myself.

Nothing makes sense

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not in a huge state of denial.... I don't visit the cemetary and I'm starting to feel insanely guilty for that. Maybe it's because although I think I've accepted it, I really haven't. In so many aspects I'm still living Alex's life........ maybe I have yet to realize his death?

Lately the whole thing has just seemed kind of surreal. Like there's no possibly way all this has happened. I feel like it was this crazy dream, one of those dreams that haunts you long after you wake up even though you know it was only a dream.

Maybe none of this makes any sense. I don't even thing anyone reads this journal anymore so I'm thinking about discontinuing it. Why should they read it? The adventure is over. The excitement is over.......... all that is left is............ I'm not sure what.