a little something I wrote.
Sometimes I am scared, scared that I will lose again, scared that my memories will slip away.
Sometimes I am angry, angry that such a beautiful person was taken too soon, angry that I didn't get to watch you grow up.
Sometimes I am grateful, grateful that we had those weeks with you, even though we couldn't hold you, you were there within our grasp showing us wonders that we had not yet been worthy to experience.
Sometimes I am sad, sad because I miss you so much my heart hurts.
Sometimes I am guilty, guilty because I might have been able to change things if I had only known
Sometimes I am happy, remembering how your strength and spirit filled the room, seeing you do it your way regardless of the "rules".
Sometimes I cry, I cry tears of sadness, I cry tears of heartbreak, and every now and then I cry tears of gratitude.
Sometimes I hope. I hope that I was a good mother to you even though the obstacles made it difficult for me to be a proper mother. I also hope that I can be half the person you were.
There are a lot of "sometimes". But there is one "always" and that is...... Always I will love you.
I know that time in heaven goes so fast, by the time you turn around to see if I am there with you, I will be. You feel no pain, you feel no fear. When I look up at the night sky and see that one brightest star, I imagine you sitting on it looking down on us and giving us your strength that we can go on without you. I may never understand, but at least I can wake up each morning knowing that nothing can ever take you from my heart.
I love you Alex, and I misse you terribly. For once in my life I'm not afraid to die, when it's my time someday I know that I will forever be with you again.