Not fitting in

Remember the first day of school? I know, wayyyy back for some of us. Ok, maybe just me. Remember not knowing anybody? Remember finding someone who you thought you had things in common with just to find out that they were so very different than you? Remember feeling like you didn't know if you'd ever fit in?

That's where I am. As some of you loyal readers know, this journal has moved around a bit. It has evolved and downright changed sometimes. It went from caringbridge to another blogger spot then merged with my family blog. It just never felt 100% right.

Then I started writing my book about Alex's life. The title of the book started out "Broken dreams" but in writing I realized that it wasn't about broken dreams at all, because when something breaks it's no longer useful, it's lost it's purpose. Alex's life and death have always been very useful. Him being born broken wasn't the end of the purpose of his life and his death wasn't either. It was a journey.....

So, the title of the book became "A Walk through the valley" one night. We did walk through the valley of the shadow of death in a very real way. But that walk THROUGH means we came out the other side, or at least that we have the ability to do so someday.

So here we are now in a new space. A space that feels very right with no agendas and no plans. Just living, dealing, and becoming the new me at my own pace. No censoring my feelings in fear of what people might think.

I'm Kat, my son is in heaven. I miss him terribly and some days I'm not sure how I got here or how I'll move on. Take me as I am.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:He leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul:He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever ~ The 23rd Psalm

Bitter old hag

As I've been sitting here for the past little bit reading some caringbridge sites of kiddos we either knew when we were in the joint, or who we have come to "know" through those we knew I have been reflecting and thinking about me, my positions on things...

I notice I've been bitter lately. Lately being the past couple years or so. Alex would be coming up on turning TWO now you know. TWO! It astonishes me that 2 whole years have nearly gone by... anyway back to my point.

I've been bitter, I've been angry, I've been downright pissed off. But you know what? Who wouldn't be? I have to talk to people, see people, and hear about people who take what they have for granted. They go about their day. They go to work and spend 2 hours a day with their families and somehow that is ok. They just don't realize how quickly EVERYTHING can be gone.

I'm simply sick and tired of people who take it all for granted. Every single morning I wake up and nearly cry because my kids are still here for one more day. Every night I go to bed begging God to give me another day. I have learned the hard way that people don't stay here forever. So many people don't think they take it for granted but they DO. You can see it in their day to day lives.

I guess I get so angry about certain issues because I know what it feels like to just wish you had that 1 more day. I wish I didn't need to sleep during those 7 weeks, I wish I didnt' leave him for a second to eat, use the bathroom, whatever. But I did. Those things I really did HAVE to do. People walk away from their kids every day for things they don't HAVE to do and I can't fathom making that choice.

People worry about such stupid shit. They worry about sports games and shopping and if their dry cleaning will be ready by 5. Why? What the hell does any of that stuff matter? It consumes people's lives and I can't figure it out. WHO THE HELL CARES?! Is your home standing? Is your heat working? Is your family safe and healthy? Then get down on your damn knees and thank the lord above.

It's just really frustrating. Yep I'm angry and bitter and all that other stuff. But I'm grateful and happy too. I don't take one minute for granted anymore. It's been said that I am a changed person since Alex died. Well of course I am! I'm a whole lot different than I use to be. I know I've become a lot less tolerant and likeable. My mission in life isn't to make everyone else happy, i'm sorry to say. It's to make my life and that of my family the most rewarding it can be.

I'm still learning. I'm learning who I was, I'm learning who I am, and I'm learning who I want to be. Forgive me if I confuse or anger you in that process but it's a ride you can't join me on. It's a ride that won't be over for a long time and maybe I'll never figure things out. You have the choice to ride it beside me or to stray away. I don't have any choice in the matter but you do, use it. Don't pretend, don't patronize, and don't make my grieving/learning/growing process about you, it's not. It's about me and it's a very difficult path to follow because there's never a straight line........ the path zig zags, loops, and sometimes just simply turns around and goes back where it came from. All I know is that for right now I am sorting things out and I am keeping those close to me as close as I can.

Post traumatic stress

Why do some kids get thier miracles and some don't? I don't know that I will ever understand that. I find myself envious of people who get it. It's very strange to read the story of a kid who made it back from deaths door and have this strangely sad feeling. Most people read stories like that and feel better about life, I do not.

I've been trying to get myself back in my "happy place". I tried to find a counselor to talk to and none are taking new patients that my insurance covers...... it figures.

Many people don't really know this about me but I've had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder since childhood. (I know, if you've seen my disaster of a house you are really surprised huh?) And it's really flared up again. I almost don't even notice it until I'll be instinctively making all the vents in the car perfectly straight or something and Craig will just mess them all up and tell me it's OK if they don't all face perfectly forward...... no it's not! hehe We joke about it a lot because it's really just stupid things like that, but it's just the overwhelming need to have certain things perfect. Hard to explain.

It's not just silly things either, the obsessive thoughts are what is debilitating. The "death monster" that I spoke of before. It's like if I don't do the "rituals" then something bad is going to happen. You'd think people with OCD would live in immaculately clean surroundings. That's not really true. The silly rituals get in the way of things and some days you can spend hours just making sure every sock in the drawer is folded the right way, that the other stuff doesn't get done. So while my house may be a rat trap, there is something that is perfect....... dumb eh?

Anyway. I'm working on it. I go back and forth with it getting bad and then it becoming nearly nonexistant. Now that i've realized that's what this is I just have to recognize it and deal with it and get it to regress again.

But for now, don't mess with my vents! hehe

When reality isn't

In a wierd way, i've spent the past almost 18 months in a sort of denial. To ask me I would have vehemently swore that I was not in denial, I was coping the best way I could. But I was/am.

I don't think i've ever taken the time to totally process. When Alex was born and got sick, those weeks were such a constant roller coaster. There was never any downtime to think. I never had the chance to really say "Ok, my child was born gravely ill, this is our reality"

After he died, we threw ourselves into things, we got pregnant with Nathan, again, never taking the time to process. To really accept that our child died.

Now that things are leveling out. I find myself realizing that my child was born, he was critically ill, and he died. HE DIED! I read stories of other kids who have died and I feel such a deep sympathy for thier families, it's like I don't realize sometimes that I am one of them.

I remember the Monday before Alex died, the day when the inate "knowing" took over and without being told, I knew he was going to die. I remember making the kids lunch and crying that whole day. Hailey asked what was wrong and I just blurted out "I think Alex is going to die"..... I felt SO bad about saying that, watching the tears well up in her eyes. Yes he had taken a turn for the worse but there had never been a time when anyone said to me "you know, Alex probably isn't going to pull through". I started to question myself. Why would I say that to her?! A child!

That afternoon at the hospital I talked to the child-family life specialist and I didn't tell him that I had told Hailey that, but he said something to me that made a ton of sense. He told me that the worst thing I could do is hide from my kids. They KNOW when something is going on without being told and if you don't say anything, they get scared and upset. If you say it, then at least they know what's going on. You see, kids have a great way of making other people's problems about them. Not that they are selfish, they just always think that if an adult is upset it's somehow thier fault. So by saying what I said, Hailey knew that I was upset about Alex, and it wasn't her fault.

This grieving process. It's hard to get a handle on. There is no right or wrong way to do it and that makes it extremely difficult to know if the things I do, my coping mechanisms, are they normal or abnormal? Am I grieving in a "healthy" way, or not?

I suppose I'm greiving in my way. And that makes it the right way. I just wish someone would come along and tell me how I can put this behind me....how I can understand.

He's been on my mind a lot more than usual lately. It struck me odd the other day when I saw a kid who had a feeding tube and the mom was tending to his needs. I got sad and thought how I wish I had the opportunity. Who WISHES for a sick child? It's so strange, like I was robbed of being mom to an Alex who would have been normal and healthy, but then I was robbed of an Alex who was sick and needed such indepth care. I had prepared myself for spending the rest of my life tending to his needs with medications, doctor visits, surgeries, procedures. And I'm grieving THAT too. I guess anything you prepare for and dont' get is a loss.....

The death monster

Today I'm struggling. I'm fighting back the tears. I have sat here all day feeling like there was something I needed to do but I can't figure out what it is. Slowly it has crept up on me, the sadness.

I feel like I missed my opportunity to grieve. I shoved it all away for so long and now the people who were once there don't even know I still struggle as much as I do. I can't bring it up to Craig,. I can't make him sad.

So I deal with it alone. It isn't fair that I have to live every day in panic. Have you ever had a panic attack? Try having one for a year and a half straight and not telling anyone. I really don't know how physically I can keep going on like this, honestly. Stress isn't good for anybody and the constant unrelenting stress all day every day............ oy.

Yesterday we were at the grocery store. Nathan was in his new shopping cart cover (I've become a germ-a-phobe) andhe got tired so I laid him down it in on h is little matching pillow. Craig was pushing and I looked over from my shopping list and in my mind....... he was in a coffin.

I feel like there are these death monsters beating down the door all the time. Just waiting for a chance to come in and steal me, Craig, or one of the kids away forever. Nathan is sleeping.... is he breathing? Jacksen has a leg cramp.... is it cancer? Christian is tired today...... is he gravely ill? I have a headache...... is it a tumor? I have to go to the store, but I can't go because it's Saturday evening and there might be a drunk driver. I need a filling, the lidocaine makes my heart race..... will I have a heart attack? Craig has a cold....... is it lung cancer?

Can you imagine living life like that? That's an ALL DAY thing for me.

I'm tired. Physically tired, emotionally tired.

UPDATE a few hours later:

I think I just need to continue to use this journal sometimes just to rant and vent and cry. Then I can pick up and dust off .I have felt a lot better since I posted this entry. I am going to make an appt in the morning with a counselor. Maybe they can't help me, maybe they can't understand.... but maybe I need one place where I can just be REAL for an hour a week..

A new beginning

I stopped by to check the guestbook entries and saw Trista's entry and cried. Some days I yearn for that moment of healing........ that moment that the hole in my own heart closes just a little and then I realize that it closes a little every day. I don't have a "superman" scar that people can see, but some days the scars are covering my entire being.

I always knew that our experience was for a reason, I think that I thought that one day someone would just knock on my door and tell me what I was suppose to do with it. God and I have many conversations about that. I have trouble reading between the lines and seeing the rainbow for the clouds sometimes.

Every day that I have lived since the day Alexander was born has been a new day to do something with my life. In the past year and a half I have had to rebuild myself and I still sometimes wonder if I ever will be a complete person again. I have gained confidence, I have gained tremendous knowledge and compassion, yet I have lost such a part of me that I can't get back. I am just now realizing that maybe I don't need it back. Maybe Alex's illness and death was my rebirth. Maybe I got the opportunity to start new in life, that's a very liberating idea.

I'm different now. At first I resented the stares, the saddened looks as people glanced my way. Now in a way I cherish that. When Alex died all expectations that I put on myself of what I thought I needed to be melted away and I was given a chance to become anything I wanted to be.

I think I have come a long way in that venture. I think I'm a good person now. I didn't always feel that way. I can look at myself in the mirror and although I've aged physically this past year, I like what I see. I see a woman who has finally become something. I have finally gotten my career where I want it to be, I have finally become the mother I wanted to be.

I don't think I've dealt with it all in ways that were expected. I think you have a choice, you can lay down and die or you can realize that quite honestly the death of your child is the worst that life can do to you..... I've survived it and that means I have the strength to do anything. I refuse to lay down and let my spirit die.......

One direction or the other please

Things seem to be getting harder for me and easier at the same time. I don't know how or why. Yesterday we went to our first midwife appointment and since it was my birthday the midwife agreed to let us take a quick peek with the ultrasound machine since it's far too early to hear the heartbeat with the dopper. The machine they have in the office there is ancient, and not very good and for a while we could see the baby, but no flicker of a heartbeat. I stared at the screen, willing that little heart to show it's presence.......... and then it did! Such a relief.

So why do I feel sad? I feel sad that this isn't Alex. I feel bad that I find myself thinking that another baby couldn't possibly ever be as special as he was. I feel bad that I don't know if I can bond with this baby because I'm afraid he or she will be taken too.

I don't feel good physically. I feel weak. I feel like something is wrong inside my body and I find myself always fearing for my own life. Something IS wrong with my body...... my heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever really heal.

Grieving my child is something I could not prepare for. Initially not even as much as now. See at first people expected me to be a basket case. Now.... it seems people expect a person to just kind of get over it in a way, move on. It's so difficult to do that. Part of me never wants to move on, to get further and further from our lives with Alex. I am losing my memories, a little at a time and sometimes it just feels like it never really happened at all. I mean in so many ways it's like this past year never happened, because our lives by all outward appearances are exactly the same as they were a year ago. 5 kids, expecting another, Craig working his tail off, me trying to keep things running smoothly and struggling with the constant changes that having children brings. The only difference really is we have pictures on the wall of a baby who we never got to know, we live day to day with loss on the inside, while being "normal" on the outside.

Nothing makes sense

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not in a huge state of denial.... I don't visit the cemetary and I'm starting to feel insanely guilty for that. Maybe it's because although I think I've accepted it, I really haven't. In so many aspects I'm still living Alex's life........ maybe I have yet to realize his death?

Lately the whole thing has just seemed kind of surreal. Like there's no possibly way all this has happened. I feel like it was this crazy dream, one of those dreams that haunts you long after you wake up even though you know it was only a dream.

Maybe none of this makes any sense. I don't even thing anyone reads this journal anymore so I'm thinking about discontinuing it. Why should they read it? The adventure is over. The excitement is over.......... all that is left is............ I'm not sure what.

Stolen innocence

Upon learning that children will be soon having a new sibling, most kids will speculate as to whether the baby will be a girl or a boy, or in the case of Shaylin, will declare her hope that the baby will just simply be cute. However my children, instead now just say they hope the baby will be healthy.

Innocence is something we take for granted with our children. We watch them learn and marvel over butterflies, the moon, clouds and take simple joy in thier experiences. It's very difficult when a part of that innocence is taken from your children, through no fault of anyone it's gone, forever.

I first became aware of this at the Ronald Mcdonald house when one day as I was sitting by the fireplace watching Shaylin and Jacksen play with thier little friends, I witnessed a game that both interested and saddened me. The game involved a baby doll and the children played out the scenario that the baby was sick and needed an ambulance, when the ambulance arrived these children, the oldest a mere 6, began putting "lines" in the baby and instructing each other on life saving measures.

My children now worry about things that are far beyond the imagination of most children. They worry if thier new sibling will be healthy, if he or she will live. They confront thier own mortality...... if babies can die, then children can too. They now know that people die and go away forever, aside from Jack who insists that every pair of baby shoes we see at the store would looke insanely adorable on "baby wex".

As sad as it is, there are also blessings involved. My children have a much greater appreciation for thier safety and thier lives than most other children. The families and special children we met at the house have shown them that people may not always be like them on the outside, but that's ok. They don't see things in black and white anymore. The fact that they know that nothing is forever, makes them more inclined to make the most of every day and to appreciate what they have been given. And that is a lesson that as parents we cannot teach, it's a lesson only learned through experience.

Thank you "baby wex", for helping show us ALL the way.

Slipping

So I didn't go to Tyler's funeral on Saturday. I won't elaborate.

I'm really glad that I got pregnant again so soon. I find myself being able to see babies again without being so sad, I almost ALMOST was able to go into the infant department at walmart today........ big step.

I have however been feeling a little guilty. I look at Alex's picture on my computer desktop and I just search his little face and try to remember him........ my memories are so hazy and I hate it. I can't remember anymore his smell, I can barely remember what his fuzzy hair felt like. I vaguely remember the way he scrunched his face up during his silent cries. I find myself angry about that. If I can't have my baby why can't I have my memories at least? Why do I have to lose those too? Sometimes I look through the photo album at the pictures of him and I can remember the day, but I can't remember that moment the picture was taken. I can't remember how it felt to hold him. It's frustrating.

Healing, a little at a time

Tomorrow is Tyler's funeral. I'm a little nervous still waiting for the part of this that's going to suck me right back to losing Alex and tear me apart. So far, so good though.

Yesterday we had a bbq at my moms for Craig's birthday. It was a beautiful day and we spent the day just being lazy and watching the kids do 'stupid human tricks' as my sister liked to put it....... you have to understand, her sense of humor is even more left field than mine (corrected the I before E thing there Jana, in case you ever read this aren't you proud?)

Today we went to the MN zoo and had a blast. Allen snuck out of work and joined us and we made a day of it. After we went and saw a IMAX 3D film which was awesome, it was hilarious to watch Shay and Jack (who have never before even been to a normal theater) reach out and try to touch the 3d pictures. I'm not sure the poor man in front of Shay appreciated it much though. They would get scared at the jumpy parts and then just giggle like insane little elves lol

I noticed about halfway through the day that although I still find my eyes wandering toward babies, especially newborns (since Alex will forever be one in my mind, even though he'd be over 4 months old now) I don't look at them and feel that overwhelming sadness I use to.

It's amazing how the heart can heal. The problem I battle now is how much healing is fair and how much should I make myself feel guilty for if that makes any sense. I like to beat myself up when life is going well for me I guess and I need to stop doing that.......

Just keep moving on

As when Alex was in the hospital, no news is good news. As we heal, this journal becomes less needed as a venting place for our pain.

Things with Bubba's bears have been plugging along. We are getting a growing number of bear requests and I'm happy to be putting the time into this. As soon as I get all the bugs worked out I can start handing more off to the many people who have volunteered to help with it, which is going to become a welcome break since it really has become a full time job and I find myself pretty exhausted at the end of the day sometimes.

Today miss Shaylin graduated from her pre-kindergarten program. She was a doll in her little cap and gown and they always just make those things absolutely adorable, you can't help but get a tear in your eye........ go class of 2019!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for all the kids. This school year has just flown by with everything that has happened. It's kind of strange how this time last year we were in exactly the same place in a lot of ways as we are now. Expecting a baby, preparing for summer with 5 active children keeping us busy with summer school activities. The only thing that is so very different is that we are different people than we were. It's strange that such different people are living the same life.

Of course it's not the same. It will never be the same. But to all outward appearances it really has to be. We are showing people that we can survive, our family has taken a hard hit, but we will stay together and be stronger than ever.

Fear through anothers eyes

So, someone stole the flowers off Alex's grave that my mom put there for memorial day. How nice is that? Stealing flowers from a deceased person is bad enough, but a BABY? Do people have no morals?

Otherwise, things have been going well. Bubba's bears is keeping me busy and I like that it does. Craig has even learned how to do the bears which is a great help! It's neat to see the pictures we get of kids with our bears all smiling and happy.

Asking once again for your prayers today. For Luke, who is being extubated today for the final time, if he struggles too much they are going to give him a tracheostomy, so please say a little prayer that he does well and doesn't need one.

And for Tyler. His family isn't getting very good news about his prognosis and may have to make some difficult decisions soon. Please pray that the doctors can find some way to turn things around for him, and if that is not in God's plan, pray to give him and his family some peace.

Reality hits

Now that the news has really started to sink in I find myself torn. I am very excited but I'm SO scared. I'm not so much scared of them finding something during the tests they will do when I'm pregnant , I'm more afraid they will miss something and we'll think once again that we've just had a perfect healthy baby and then he or she will get sick like Alex did unexpectedly.

I guess this is normal. And we won't breathe easy until after the baby is born and we get an echo done to be sure there is nothing wrong.

Ask and ye shall receive

Well, I am happy to share the wonderful news that we have been given a gift from Alex and God.

We are expecting a new little miracle February 3, 2007

I'm sorry, my baby died

Well, I finally did it...........

You may be aware that after the birth of a baby there is a '6 week' post partum appointment that every new mother must have, and every new mother thoroughly dreads. In my case, dreads enough to put it off for months.

My original appointment was to be March 14th, I decided not to go that day because Alex was really unstable and I couldn't bring myself to be 2 hours away from him. After he died I just didn't want to do it, it was another one of those things where I was suppose to be bringing him with me and showing him off to all the midwives and nurses, and I couldn't.

Well, my reproductive health at stake, I did bite the bullet and go. I should really have called first to make sure the staff was aware that Alex had passed, but I didn't. I kind of figured that they would already know.

So the nurse takes me back and is doing the bp and all that and she askes 'what is your babies name?' And I swallow hard and say 'he's deceased'. She of course said she was sorry a few times and finished up her part and left to get the midwife.

The midwife comes in and starts crying, which of course makes ME start crying, it's just a chain reaction every time. I'm ok until people cry. I jokingly yelled at her for making me cry and she said 'i know, but we feel like these are OUR babies too'. I can't explain it, but that made me really happy to hear.

All in all I was there for over an hour. We talked a lot about Alex's condition and what happened and our plans for having more children. She went over with me how things will be a little different my next pregnancy because I will be involved with a perinatologist in Marshfield for level 2 ultrasounds and fetal echo's. (A perinatologist is a high risk obstetrician, although I won't be 'high risk' unless they in fact find something wrong with the baby) The only thing that remotely makes me high risk is that I had a premature baby, and honestly that was probably due to him starting to struggle in the womb and initiating labor because it was time to be born.

I was pretty happy that I will still be able to have the pregnancy followed by the midwives rather than seeing an OB (again, unless there's something wrong) because I really love them and the way they do things.

Anyway, everything looks fine in that respect and we were officially given the green light. It was really nice, after the crying to be able to talk about Alex, and someone really wants to listen.

One more point to add, to anyone who might still be harboring doubt about my mental health. We talked about depression, about things that can help etc and she agreed with me that antidepressants probably aren't the answer as long as I can still be productive and live life. At the end of the visit she said that I surely don't seem 'depressed', sad yes. But not depressed.
So I am taking care of myself, and I do have the doors open for help if it's needed.

random oddities

After some thinking about the entry on Thursday (2 before this) I have come to the conclusion that this journal DOES tend to be a bit misleading. I mainly post entries here when I'm struggling, so that's what people see.......

Rest assured folks. I'm as sane as I always was (which may or may not be a good thing).

Last night I had a baby dream. Not sure if the baby was Alex, but it felt like it was. A healthy baby boy and I was just doing all the things you'd do with a healthy baby boy. Interestingly enough, I knew it was a dream and didn't wake up upset.

I don't have much to say today. It's a gloomy day and I have a pile of laundry waiting for me. A great day to preform some bear surgery and get some things done around the house. Which you can tell from this entry, I'm not doing.

Only as crazy as the xrazy worm says I am

hmmm. After reading the latest entry in our guestbook I am left pondering. Are my posts in this journal painting an accurate picture? Or am I just not seeing the accurate picture myself?

I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not. What I mean is, do these entries make me sound more depressed and grief stricken than I feel like I am, or am I really THAT depressed and grief stricken and I am the only one who can't see it?

You see, I actually think I'm doing fairly well. The bear project, the warm spring weather, and doing things outside with the kids have been keeping me busy, and happy lately. Sometimes I feel guilty almost, like I shouldn't be as 'settled' as I am with all of this. Am I just lost? Am I really battling demons so deep that everyone can see it but me? I'm not sure.

To the person who posted the last entry, thank you for your concern. I could tell it wasn't accusatory, but rather genuine and I thank you for that. The kids are doing well, I am very proud of them.

As far as antidepressants, I am not one of those people that thinks badly of them. There was a time when I needed them to get things under control and If that time comes again, I will. I do remember though that although they helped me to deal with things better, they also made it difficult for me to express my emotions,, and I really think that is important as of now. I'm told there are phases of grief, and a book I read said that if you dont' allow yourself to go through them, they will come back to haunt you. So I think it's important that I grieve properly, which, at least with my history I don't think is possible on medication.

Counseling may be an option, but I'm not entirely certain at this point anyway that it's needed. I fear it will just keep me in those depressing moments to talk them to death if you know what I mean. Alex is gone, there isnt' anything I can do to bring him back and I'm trying to pick myself up and carry on, and up until right now I had been sure I was doing a decent job of it, but maybe I'm deceiving myself. hmmmmm

I will have to spend some time thinking about this.

mothers day... but different

Well, I thought i'd be ok. Really I did. Mothers day is just another day. I dreamt last night that it was the evening of mothers day and I thought 'whew, i got through it!' Only to wake up this morning realizing it had just begun.

I woke up crying, quickly got dressed and went to the cemetary. I sat there for a while, crying and talking to Alex and asking all of the mommies in heaven to take special care of him for me.

This afternoon my brother visited. He had been gone on vacation and it was nice to see him.

I now have a migraine. Strange because I haven't had one since I was pregnant and didn't quite know what it was when the vision changes hit me. So this will be short, the bright light of the computer monitor isn't so pleasant. I just have to get through dinner and then I can rest for a bit. Craig, bless his heart tried to get today off but couldn't.

Dreams

Dreams.

Last night I dreamt I had twin baby boys. I have no idea what was wrong with them except that they were in the hospital and both had trach's. It was one of those riled up worrying dreams, worrying about how I'm going to keep them alive and where the next curveball is coming from. I hate those dreams. I feel that all too familiar knot in my stomach, the knot I had while Alex was in the hospital. It feels like when you suck your belly in and breathe like that all day..... your muscles are sore. It's strange.

Apparently Craig dreamt of Alex last night. I realized that I don't dream of Alex anymore....... not him precisely anyway. I dream of hospitals, illness, fear, but the baby involved is never Alex. What does that mean?
Kind of makes me feel guilty and even sad. Sad because at least if I dreamt about him for that moment I would be in some remote way WITH him.

I do however dream of twins a lot. Maybe it's because I worry so much about Tyler and Luke that in some way I feel like I had more than one sick baby. I don't know.

On another note, I think Austin and Chris might have mono or something. I won't go into it but lets just say that my boys, who NEVER get sick..... are really being kicked in the butt by something these past few days:( I'm watching the situation closely.

Anyway, looks like it's gonna thunderstorm and Jack could use some cuddling I bet.