Sunday, August 17, 2008

Not fitting in

Remember the first day of school? I know, wayyyy back for some of us. Ok, maybe just me. Remember not knowing anybody? Remember finding someone who you thought you had things in common with just to find out that they were so very different than you? Remember feeling like you didn't know if you'd ever fit in?

That's where I am. As some of you loyal readers know, this journal has moved around a bit. It has evolved and downright changed sometimes. It went from
caringbridge to another blogger spot then merged with my family blog. It just never felt 100% right.

Then I started writing my book about Alex's life. The title of the book started out "Broken dreams" but in writing I realized that it wasn't about broken dreams at all, because when something breaks it's no longer useful, it's lost it's purpose. Alex's life and death have always been very useful. Him being born broken wasn't the end of the purpose of his life and his death wasn't either. It was a journey.....

So, the title of the book became "A Walk through the valley" one night. We did walk through the valley of the shadow of death in a very real way. But that walk THROUGH means we came out the other side, or at least that we have the ability to do so someday.

So here we are now in a new space. A space that feels very right with no agendas and no plans. Just living, dealing, and becoming the new me at my own pace. No censoring my feelings in fear of what people might think.

I'm Kat, my son is in heaven. I miss him terribly and some days I'm not sure how I got here or how I'll move on. Take me as I am.

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:He leadeth me beside the still waters.He restoreth my soul:He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever ~ The 23rd Psalm

Saturday, August 9, 2008

In a better place

I think I'm in a better place today. Some days those feelings just come on so strong and I just have to feel them and let them happen. Writing about them helps, helps me process and figure out what exactly I'm feeling because sometimes it's all a jumbled mess of anger, sadness, and fear.

I think I'm probably going to have those days forever. And that's the way it is. That's the life I lead now. All I can do is be stronger than the sadness, stronger than the fear and anger. All I can do remember where I came from in my faith and remember why I don't want to go back there.

Thanks Tawnia for the comment. I love footprints. That made me smile.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Alexander's photo slideshow

Is any of it real?

I'm having a really bad day. A day where you know what? I'm tired of telling everyone it's ok and that God loves us and all that bullsh*t. What the hell kind of God takes someone's child away? And he does this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Not a day goes by where somewhere in the world someone's precious child isn't ripped from their arms. What kind of God lets that happen?

Sometimes I try to convince myself that it's not God that does this, it's satan instead. But really, if God is so much stronger than satan to be able to cast him into hell for eternity, isn't he tough enough to stand up to him and say no to childhood death? And if he's not, is he really that powerful at all?

I read these blogs of people who have lost a child but just continue to worship God and at times I am in awe of their faith and at times I want to grab them by the head and shake them and ask them who they are kidding. Maybe God is just an excuse we hide behind when bad things happen so that we don't have to face reality. Maybe our little bitty psyche's can't bear the thought of never seeing our children again so we cling tightly to that story the pastor told us about heaven. I think this might be true because in reality the bible says that earthly people won't even matter to us when we get there, that we will simply be in awe of the presence of the lord. So why do we talk about seeing our children in heaven? It doesn't even make sense!

I try to beleive, I try to keep my faith. I try to understand but the big man upstairs doesn't seem to be giving me anything that I need to understand. I've asked for help, I've asked for answers. I haven't gotten any. Sometimes I think if there is a God that he has some twisted and sick sense of humor to sit and watch so much suffering. Even the most uncaring people in the world usually couldn't fathom watching a child suffer in a hospital room with his chest ripped open, or slowly die from cancer, yet God does it EVERY DAY! What the hell?! And then as parents we are suppose to thank him? We are suppose to worship him? Hey dude, thanks for making pain the only thing my child ever knew and then making sure the rest of us knew what pain was too.... how nice.

Today my faith is tested. I'm tired of praying to a God who never seems to answer.